If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
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Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
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If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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