Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
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Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
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There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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