So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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