booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Randomize
