I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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