I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Randomize
