her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
