I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
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You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
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