She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
