i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
