I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
