went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
You dont lie about slip and slides
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
