...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
