my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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