Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
So much Jack, so little girl.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
