There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
My bed smells like the plague
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
