he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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