Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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