Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
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