Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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