It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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