How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
