God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
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I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
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After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
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