either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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