I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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