got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
