btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
