3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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