FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
