i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
