When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
