a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Randomize
