He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
