I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I wish there were birth control emojis
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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