Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
