i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
We don't watch enough power rangers
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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