mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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