We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
