update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
