I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
