I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
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