your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
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I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
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You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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