I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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