I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
