I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
