Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
