I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
