Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
