community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
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I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
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She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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