Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Randomize
