I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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