Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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