I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
