Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
