I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Randomize
