my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
