I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I would fuck him just for his dog
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
