I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
