Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Randomize
