Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
