Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
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