Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
