we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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